Jany. 23rd

The mail does not go out until tomorrow, so I have another day of grace. I gave Ferland my Hospital Sargt. Leave for two or three days, to go down to Fort Kipp to visit some of his friends. Consequently I have to do his work and my own. I am writing now in the Hospital. It is nearly 12 o’clock. The morning has passed rapidly and uneventfully. Brooks is this morning worse than he has been since he came up from Kanouse’s. His heart is fearfully weak. Poor fellow. It does seem so lonely and so hard for him, suffering as he does and bearing it so patiently. He lies quietly in bed as a sleeping child. His two words with which he answers nearly all questions of his welfare are ‘middling’ + ‘not so well’. I wish that I could hold out some hope of his ultimate recovery, but I am afraid that I cannot. I was here called away by the entrance of the orderly office Capt. Jackson, + the Regimental orderly Sergeant, going their rounds. I had ‘no complaints’ + he expressed himself satisfied with the appearance of things. I heard to day that the Indians very nearly had a fight amongst themselves, up the River. But it turned out to be all blow. The Indians however threw off their blankets + put the squaws away + begun cocking their pistols, etc when the Trader in whose Fort this scene was taking place jumped over his counter with his 7[?] shooter already cocked + with some threats + persuasive language cooled down their belligerent feelings and they began to smoke the pipe of peace.

To day has been like a spring day, a heavy mist has come over the prairies + the cold has turned the mist into minute crystals, which drive past you glistening glittering in the sunlight like as many diamonds. The thermometer was -20º but it did not feel cold in the least. The sun is now shining very bright + the melting snow is dripping quicker from the roofs of our buildings, + disappearing from the ground. The Indians too taking advantage of the warm sunlight, come out like flies to warm + stretch themselves. I have seen a good many of them around today. To give you an idea of their laziness, one was sitting on the Hospital yesterday when I came in I found him + stood about 4 feet from him, he put out his hand for me to shake + would not get up to reach me. I held out mine and motioned him to come – he would not – so as I was not particularly anxious to shake, I turned away. If they are sitting in arms length of a fire, they will give you a match or a piece of paper + motion you to light it + hold it to their pipes, when they could perhaps do it more easily than you.

The Orderly room bugle from prisoners has first sounded and I am afraid I will have to go there as there is a case coming on of a man feigning sickness and I will have to be present. I hope soon to have more letters from you.

The men who are going to take this mail in are going to come right out again + bring what little they can. So it will not be more than a month till I again hear from you. These months January and February are the two bad ones, we had always heard about, in which little or no communication was kept up with the outer + civilized world. Summer or Spring will soon be here, and with it bring many discomforts + many luxuries, most of all an uninterrupted communication with you. I expect that a mail will be established weekly or fortnightly from here during the Summer.

Now my darling, don’t you be anxious on my account. I begin to think that perhaps my telling you, in my last letter of that dark cold side, may make you more anxious + trouble you more than there is any necessity for. The backbone of the Winter is now fully well broken, of course we will have storms + some cold weather, + there is also no use in shutting our eyes to dangers that do + will menace us. But the very knowledge of such danger is our greatest safeguard for we are careful.

The most we have to fear from the Indians is the loss of our horses. In the spring when the Indians begin to move, they take every opportunity to steal a horse + then pack off to the mountains, + are no more seen. Our presence here has had a most salutary effect upon them, they used to lay their hands upon anything that was left carelessly around, now they pass them by, or return them to their owners. And now I must say good night for the present, I anxiously look forward to another Mail from Benton. Remember me most kindly to the Cameron’s + give my love to all at home. How does Sallie like water colours? She used to distain them having a preference for Crayons. I want you if you can to send me one or two good French Novels. I am keeping up my French + can understand almost any conversation, + also to a very small extent speak the language.

And so Good night.

I am your Barrie.

Jany. 22nd

This morning the usual round which I now endeavour to spin out until 12 o’clock. I did not take any lunch to day, and do not approve of the plan, it appears to make the day almost endless. They are long enough as it is. This evening after dinner, we had our second Mess Meeting + I requested to continue to act as Secretary. I hurried in after the meeting to have a talk with you. For I feel so very lonely tonight that I scarce know what to do. How strange that one cannot remain satisfied. When I heard of this appointment I thought, here is a big chance. I can save all my money for 3 years + then come home + take my Lizzie at once + start a private practice. 3 years, I thought is not long and will soon pass, I will be lonely at times, but will get over it. And so I will. I know that you too are lonely at times, and my telling you that I also am, will not tend give you much comfort. But you know I am telling you everything that comes in to my head, + if at times I seem to complain, believe me, my darling, it is not to make you feel uneasy, or wretched but only is a sort of safety valve. How often I think of you, think of you in every conceivable act + place. Try and imagine your thoughts at all hours of the day, twice a day at all events, we both speak not to, but of, each other to a Third Person. Does He not know our thoughts and answer our prayers? Does he not Guide us and guard us in all danger + distress? And in his own good time will He not bring us together again? And that meeting solong hoped for, prayed for, will it not at the last make up for all this weary waiting? Then why should I complain or think of complaining.

I am wondering where our next meeting will be. I picture myself in Toronto, your house on Jarvis Street, the long outside veranda, the little ante room, the inside hall and then yourself. Will it be a surprise? No, I think not. Do you recollect surprising me once, on your return from St. Kitts. I was at the hat rack, I noticed a strange look upon your mother’s face + father’s countenance betrayed some secret + then you rushed down the winding stairs. Will it be in the summer or winter? I don’t know, I rather think in the Early Fall. How many things you will have to show me + what number less questions will you have to answer + to ask. Oh dear, I wish I had a cap like some of the old fairy stories something to put on my head and wish to be in a place, + the carpet would rise + bear me swiftly there. Would it not be nice? Just think, I need only be here about 4 hours of the 24! The rest I could pass with you!

“If wishes were horses then Beggars might ride” The days for all their seeming length swiftly merge themselves into weeks + the weeks into months. Who would ever think that I have been here for more than three months.

Jany 21st

I hear that a mail is to go out the day after tomorrow. So this will go along. Nothing unusual going on. The Col. came back from Whoop Up whither he had been on an exploring tour, to find out its exact location. He is making a map of this part of the Country. I am going to try and get the drawing of it, + will then send you a copy.

Jany. 20th

Possibly this letter may go from here along with the other one which I have sent, + which came back, + has not got started off again. It seems a long while since I heard from you, but I suppose it is not so long as it appears, we have had a long spell of cold weather, but now it seems to show signs of breaking up, but I suppose it will not be many weeks before we have spring weather.

Jany. 19th

This morning I had breakfast before going to the Hospital, there were only the usual number of sick men. Then I had breakfast and after that I went to the Orderly Room + got the Col to show me how to take an observation of the Sun, to make out our latitude and alas to correct the Time, + worked out the problem from the observations. Nothing more was done during the day until after lunch when I took my paints and tried to finish off one or two pictures. I also hung or rather pinned to the walls of my Room several of my sketched, which, altho’ not of the best style in the world, are better than blank white cotton staring at me in the face all the time.

Jany. 18th

This morning is beautiful.+ bright and clear + cold the thermometer at 9 o’clock when I went over to the Hospital was 30º below zero. There were only a few sick men, Brooks continues pretty low and tho weak still holds his own. After the hospital I had breakfast + then came to my room + smoked my pipe + am writing to you. So you see that you are associated with my pipe almost my only comfort up here. Not my only comfort now, for I have your dear letters to read + read again + again. Lizzie you have no idea how immensely your letters soothe + comfort me. If mine are only a twentieth part as much as welcome and useful to you then I am satisfied. So you recollect my once telling you that a lady once asked me to correspond with her daughter, and how I consented + never filled my promise thinking what a bore it was? The idea of writing to a girl! But now I am writing not to a girl but a woman, + to a part of myself. I do not take that great care to put down just what I mean in the choicest words, + take pains with the writing + attend to all the little minor points that go to make a letter amusing or entertaining, but I put down in succession those thoughts or events which happen to be uppermost in my thoughts at the moment. I seem to be talking to myself, only more so.

Jany. 17th

After lunch I came to my room + had a smoke and tried to do a little painting but did not feel particularly in the humour for it + at 3 o’clock Welch came in + Crozier + we three started out for a walk, the thermometer was -5º when we started + -15 when we came back at the end of an hour. We walked + ran alternately. My moustache + hirsute appendage were one mass of frost + ice. I was quite warm + fortunately did not freeze anything. Last time I was out, that is yesterday I froze the tip of my nose, but only very slightly. When I came in, I filled my pipe, put on your smoking cap, and fell into thinking of you and the dear old times. My darling don’t for an instant think that I grudge to you one particle of the pleasant company in which you may at times be thrown. When I read your accounts of balls and parties, how you danced with this + that one, I only think, ‘How glad I am that Lizzie is enjoying herself’. If, in any of my past letters, I have ever given you cause to think that I am jealous, or if in any of my future ones I should do so, reject the seeming hurt + lay it down to regret on my part that I cannot be present to see you enjoying yourself, to see others appreciating my Lizzie. Jealousy implies distrust + I trust you so wholly and entirely that no shadow of distrust of you ever crosses my mind. In one of your letters you spoke of my hinting to you that I was a little jealous -but darling- but darling it was only an intense yearning to be near you myself not to keep others away. I do not know when we will get another mail in. stories were rife yesterday that one was down in Whoop Up, but they proved to be without foundation. Conrad has a train due here for a week past and there will probably be letters on that for us.